Thursday, August 10, 2006

No More Car

Last night I drove through the dark streets of Beirut. All the streetlights were off. But there was a full moon. It was a little eerie. I had gotten used to the lights always being on. But I thought that this is one of the clever measures that have been taken. Do not use electricity for unwanted items and it will last longer for the houses and people. Good move. Always see the positive right?

I refuse to stand in line to fill up my car. I will not. This is my own private war. I will not allow myself to do this. No way. I will walk...use my bicycle but no way will I wait an hour and a half to fill my car with fuel. So this is good, I have no energy to actually do excercise and this is forcing me to. Always see the positive right?

Explain to me how one does not get bitter? I do not understand. When I see what my country has become...and when I see corruption still rampant... And when I see no men with balls who can get us out of this situation. How should I feel? Imagine it yourself. A constant bully. Always around. Always taunting you. Once, twice...and some more...and then? what is the breaking point? When do you finally say....enough. Either you walk away or you fight back right? What else is there? Conversing. You and I both know that no one ever changes. So it seems we are in this for a long haul. We had hoped for a second it would not be, but we should have known better. Where is the positive in that?

And what really worries me is what comes after. After the ceasefire...after it all ends. Will the scars be too deep to heal.I feel we are running up a hill and everytime we reach a certain point we slide back down with nothing to hold on to to stop the descent. Where is the positive in that?

It has been a month now.
And I find I have nothing left to say.

9 Comments:

Blogger Angel said...

*hugs*
we're praying for you
for a ceasefire
for peace
for a return to normalcy
for safety
for comfort
*hugs*

10:14 AM  
Blogger fairy said...

i dont have words either anymore. all i can say is that times are changing. nothing stays the same. if this is positive or negative, i dont know.... please keep up the hope, even if it s so damn hard. we re all trying to. i will keep on reading ur blog. i like it very much.
peace.

2:44 PM  
Blogger yves said...

im in no position to say anything about anything...not when i ate thai for dinner and am looking forward to work tomorrow.

but please keep writing. write anything. write in pure anger and frustration. write in rage.

your words are the only real take i have on this 'war'....many others must feel the same.

please stay safe
please keep writing

8:56 PM  
Blogger Eve said...

i share the same feeling. i've taken a habit of leaving work by foot. the empty streets just kill me..

2:53 AM  
Blogger Daisy-Winifred said...

For me this post of yours speaks louder and clearer and with so much more to ay and saying than all your others. Maybe in finding you have nothing left to say you may discover all you need to say. That you choose to say it to yurown heart or nearby ears on on the net is as it should be, just don't fall silent for your self.
With thoughts and many good wishes to you and all others found to have nothing more to say because the immediate seems to say it all.

6:37 AM  
Blogger beirutee said...

Don't stop blogging, voices of honesty and sanity are too few and far inbetween.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Jenna said...

Hey this was the first time I happened to read yur blog...and it took me some 12 years back...
Hmmmm see i'm Bosnian, now living inthe US but all of those things that are happeningto you are so real. To this world out here it's unexplainable, too hard to understand. I remember waking up at 4 am and watching the same mushrooms you were talking about tearing my city appart.
How to stay postitive?
Keep writing, keep in touch with your friends, don't get bitter....
Yeah easy for me to say I'm not there...in the world where all is black and white and thinking in a different way could make you go insane.
I still remmeber when I first got out of Bosnia, got to Germany and was being interogated as to why and how I got there...the first thing "he" the interogator said was"well there is no war it's peace now just go back there..this was in 1994.The war "ended" some 3 years later.
So keep writing becouse there are still people listening.

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Carole said...

Hi Rena,

thanks for your writings - do keep safe and hopeful. Don't let what is happening bring bitterness to your heart. I am sure it is very hard, but please think on this 'recognise that the other person is you'.

We are all one, but believe we are separate and therein lies the seeds of what is happening to your country and people, and many other countries and peoples around the world.

Please believe that others care and are sending LOVE to you, your people and your land. Please keep your heart open to Love.

12:40 AM  
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6:29 AM  

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